Pastors Selection Report
The following is a confidential report on several
candidates being considered for a pastorate at "AnyChurch, USA".
- Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also
one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
- Noah: Former
pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
- Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept
with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
- Joseph: A big
thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
- Moses: A
modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his
stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
- David: The
most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
- Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
- Elijah: Prone to
depression. Collapses under pressure.
- Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow
while at his former church.
- Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never
handle his wife's occupation.
- Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is
- Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported
to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
- Isaiah: On
the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a
great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a
hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on
his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused
to supply a birth date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that
Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to
- John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the
outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
- Peter: Too
blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in
Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
- Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating
preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been
known to preach all night.
- James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed
good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and
seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage
workers who didn't follow along with them.
- Timothy: Too young!
- Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY
- Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend
them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very
long. And, of course, he's single.
- Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder.
Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here.
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(posted 20 April